Existence

It was the cigar smoke,
No,
It was my soul.

Twirling,
oooCircles,
ooooooLife is a never-ending merry-go-round.

Dissipated in the air,
The light permeated me,
And I saw your face:

For the first time I said to myself,
____"I am beautiful."

I hope you saw me
And heard me.

The Moment: Butterscotch

Like the fading rays of the sun, sinking into the vermilion horizon: butterscotch and rose.

I've been counting the times we meet each other. Every meeting is an event to be cherished, to be engraved in the fleshy tablet of my heart. Because any of it could be our last.

Of course, he doesn't know and he wouldn't know. Perhaps he won't even care. He sees beyond the purplish sunset into the twilight. His is the furthest star, whilst mine is the constellation of Virgo.

I miss him. And these feelings melt into a poultice of lavender and butter, milk and baby breath. The colour turned from pearl white into a glorious yellow. Emanating a glow, radiant, and ludicrous.

That's me.

舍不得你

怀着一个即将离开的心情，
我的心理应该开心
能离开这困着我的窘境，
到外边开创一个黎明。

但，为何我的心一直不安宁，
想开心离开却不行？
心中有种不舍得的心情。
难道你还牵着我的心灵？

经过无数的风风雨雨，
我应该已对你死心。
但如今我发现，
你还活在我深处的心底。

离开了这里，再也见不到你，
一阵痛猛捶心底。
我只能想念你，再不能碰见你，
心里顿时感到空虚。

心里才明白原来
我舍不得你。

To Death in One

She sat on the shore glancing the sea,
For centuries she has been where she was,
Waiting for someone she loved so deep,
Now resting in eternal stupor.

"His love will never be mine to own,"
Nostalgia overcame her and she started to moan,
Tears rolled down as she started to reminisce
The night they first met in the sea.

He sank into roaring waves, struggling from death,
Found him in oblivion she hath,
She brought him to shore, embracing his face,
Trapped in love, a complex maze.

Day by day she sat on shore
Till the day of his wedding ball,
She felt a pain never experienced before,
She sat there waiting, not answering the sea's return call.

Transformed into a statue, unable to speak,
She can never get what she hath seek:
The love from someone so special to her.
Her confession, he will never hear.

Till one day a familiar face appeared,
She never thought she could see him here,
He touched her face and sadly said,
"I should have told you, but fate wouldn't wait."

"I knew you were the one who saved my soul
Far back in time, many centuries ago.
I never had the chance to confess,
Now my heart is full of regrets.

Words simply can't express my love for you,
My heart was once full, now broken to two.
If fate destined us to be far apart...
Now, let me rewrite fate's chart!"

With this he drew his dagger up
And thrusted it deep into his heart.
She wanted to stop him but she could only stare,
Her heart tore as his blood bled.

The love she wanted, finally owned,
But now she was left alone.
Tears glistened as the sun drowned at the west,
Leaving the two lovers, in peace they rested.

I Looked Down From Heaven

I looked down from heaven
To check on how you've been,
Peeking through your favourite fuchsia curtains,
I saw you sleeping under covers of green.

I looked down from heaven
Because empyrean was too boring,
Beneath the bright crimson lanterns,
A baby bird spread her wings.

I looked down from heaven
As snowflakes gently fell,
My best friend stood in your garden,
She had been crying, anyone could tell.

I looked down from heaven
When the both of you argued,
She said she was going to be a parent,
And the father of the child was you.

I looked down from heaven
During the awkward silence,
You stood in front of her, frozen,
Then gunpowder emasculated the lavender fragrance.

I looked down from heaven
After a deafening gunshot,
You called my name, "Hello, Lauren,
I hope you'll understand, that baby wasn't my fault!"

I never looked down heaven again,
The world has moved on, so must I.
By looking at the past, nothing will I gain,
Because earth is for the living, and I have died.

To a Friend

Clement thoughts sojourned in my head,
I was frolicking in a meadow with flowers of the brightest red.
The shaded part of soft pasture was my bed,
It served as a refuge for my daily escapade.

Your innocent smile was the clearest lake,
Those soft and beautiful eyes were never fake.
I could picture them blinking when you awake,
The curling of your lips was the only medication I'll take.

Beneath those eyes, intelligence shone,
Like a warm fire when I was cold and alone.
I flinched at your gentle and mild tone,
Because it tickled my ears when you're on the phone.

A myriad of butterflies fluttered as you spoke,
With eyes deliberately spying on every step I took.
Be my cynosure if I get lost on the road,
A gentleman like you would surely offer me your coat.

The Moment: Like Butterflies

I hugged him tight whilst calculating the seconds we heard each other's heartbeat, and the pressure exerted by his arms on my back.

So many times I folded my arms around his neck, felt the warmth oozing from his masculine physique, imbued with the familiar scent of sweat.

After letting him go, with a smile I said the usual, "Take care."

A wave, some seconds spent on holding each other's eyes, I turn my head.

The smile vanished. Was it artificial? I'm so used to acting I can't distinguish which are my real emotions.

My hand automatically, like a robotic gesture, formed a fist on my chest, where I felt my beating heart. It came like a wall of water, moving so fast from my heart straight to my throat, as if to force me to collapse into shards of glass.

Nothing.

There wasn't the icy sensation gliding down my cheeks like how I anticipated. Still choked at the end of my throat was a pain. So mild I couldn't describe it, so excruciating I couldn't stand it.

Loss. Forlorn.

Empty was a part near the core. And I let it fluttered away, never to return, like butterflies. Their gossamer wings dissolved into the rainbows of my yesterdays, like ashes into the Ganges.

Back to where they belong.

For One Night --- A Prom Story

She swore she could have killed Melanie.

"Hey darling. You know what? Let's go shopping tomorrow!" excitement burst through every word in Melanie's voice.

"Do you have any idea what time is it?" she groaned and a string of curses were buried in her pillow.

"Yes or no? C'mon darling, we need our prom dresses. I'm thinking white since it's the new pink, and yellow makes me look fat......"

Suddenly, drowsiness faded from her eyes. As they struggled to adjust to the dark surroundings, she thought of the ticket in the drawer.

It wasn't exactly forgotten, neither was it remembered. A hundred bucks for a piece of laminated paper imbued with every shade of blue was bloody expensive. Thanks to Melanie, she was broke.

"Kendall!"

"Erm yea?"

"Are we going to get our dresses or not?"

She hesitated. Mom would gladly give her a blank cheque, maybe even call up Carven Ong to design a dress. Dad wasn't happy with it, but he said he would skin her alive if she didn't enjoy prom.

"Sure."

~*~*~*~*~*~*

It was black.

A simple knee-length dress without lace or rhinestones. A plain cocktail dress.

But it was gorgeous.

She stared at the mirror as Melanie squealed at the sight of her, literally singing praises of how it suited her and how hot she looked.

"You're getting this dress. I'll even pay for you!"

Rapture waltzed in her heart and a little smile appeared on the curves of her lips as she told herself, "That's you in the mirror."

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dad smiled when he saw her walk down the stairs. With a little foundation, some teal eyeshadow and sweet pink on her lips, she shone as radiantly as her petite earrings and Mom's diamond necklace.

They did not talk in the car.

She didn't know what to say to Dad. What exactly should you say to your father when he's driving you to your prom, knowing that his daughter will be slow dancing in some random boy's arms, and his arms might accidentally slide down.

There were so many things in his mind, where should he start? No alcohol, no making out, no dirty dancing, no thinking of losing your virginity before you're married. These were for her own good, yet he wondered whether he was going to be a killjoy stuffing her ears with rules. After all, she was supposed to have fun during her prom.

They reached the hotel.

"Erm... could you pick me up at 11?"

"Sure."

"Ok... bye, Dad."

"Have fun, sweetie."

She pushed the door open. I should at least tell him, she thought when her foot touched the ground.

"You know, Dad. I'll take care of myself. You won't need to worry if I'll end up pregnant or drunk, I promise I won't. Just some dancing and maybe fooling around with Melanie and the others. I won't drink --"

"You're a big girl, Kendall. I know you can manage yourself. Go have fun. Dance, flirt, I don't mind if you kiss a boy. It's your prom. Anyway, it's just for one night."

It was as if the whole world stopped spinning when her arms wrapped his neck. "Thanks, Dad. I love you," she whispered. He patted his little girl's hair, "I love you too."

Then he saw her disappeared through the glass doors.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Melanie looked as if she owned the dance floor, strutting her stuff and laughing with all the others. Then the deejay invited all the couples for a last dance on the floor, a slow jazz fraught the ballroom.

He walked across the room towards her and asked, "Hey Kendall, do you wanna dance?"

She looked up into his hazelnut eyes and smiled. He led her to the middle of the floor and they swayed slowly to the music.

"So this is it, the end of high school," she said.

"Yea, time flies, doesn't it?" he smiled.

"What are your plans after this?" there was a little sadness in that question.

"My parents are thinking of sending me to Australia, it's either Medicine or Dentistry for me."

"Oh," she prayed that he couldn't hear the tremble in her voice.

"What about you?" which part of the world would she be?

"I'll still be here... then maybe I'll try applying for Oxford, or maybe Leeds."

"I'm gonna miss you," he looked into her eyes.

"Me too," she tried to hold back her tears.

It was slow like the dance, a little pressure, that's all. There was nothing between them, they were just friends. Maybe a crush, perhaps just lately or perhaps it was always there.

For one night, they were more than friends.

She was sure that she'll remember him for the rest of her life and maybe they'll meet again sometime in the future, as friends.

And she was sure Dad meant what he said, he wouldn't mind her kissing a boy. After all, prom is only one night and for one night, she'll have fun.

P/S: Inspired by my friends who went to their proms and had fun. Thanks for sharing your 'interesting' experiences with me. This is dedicated to all the girls out there, whether or not you've been to a prom.

My Mother

This was written as a group work assignment given by Mr. Sean during one of the marathon-like extra classes.

Inspired by my dear friend and confidante, Cindy, who happened to be my partner for almost every group work in Mr. Sean's class for 3 years.

*~*~*

Clad in bright green velvet, my mother glided across the courtyard like a butterfly with gossamer wings. Her head bowed, footsteps as light as feather, like a fairy princess. In front of her was my father, portly and exuberant in vermillion red.

My mother was always behind my father. A woman must never walk in front of her husband, her father and her brother.

She married my father at the tender age of fourteen, as bashful as a schoolgirl. Coy, but at the same time vivacious. I could read the pain in her eyes before sunset, I could picture but never able to put myself in her shoes, thus I never understood the story behind her dark grey irises.

We were having important guests that night, my grandmother’s birthday was always a subject of discussion in the town. The mayor, the deputy prime minister, and even the Seventh Prince were invited. From afar, I could make out dots of fuchsia and damask, saffron and amber, silver and gold in a riot of colours in the Grand Dining Hall.

The moment my father reached the Grand Dining Hall, the guests clapped and praises as long as litanies came pouring. With my mother following, my father kneeled down in front of my grandmother, wishing her everlasting health and youth. Grandmother smiled from ear to ear.

Mother kneeled. “Hmph!” Grandmother turned her head away. Cheeks now as red as Father’s suit, tears started to well up in Mother’s eyes. The women whispered, the men snickered. Father looked oblivious to the fact that his wife was disgraced in public. “Forgive me, Mother,” Mother said softly.

Being a woman of great beauty, there were many suitors since she turned twelve. A poet once described her as “the falling petals of plum blossoms, the quintessence of pulchritude”. Rumours of clandestine lovers and broken promises lingered even after Mother married Father, against her will. A feng-shui master predicted that she will give Father nine sons, and each of them will pass the imperial examinations. Grandmother started to shower this new daughter-in-law with jades and silks, bird’s nests and bear paws.

That was Mother’s zenith. Grandmother praised her demure and loyal daughter-in-law whenever she met friends and relatives. Yet Mother was never proud, but always modest and very approachable. People love her excitable personality, servants adore her easy-going persona. Docile like a rabbit, Father once told Mother, “You’re a much better wife than my third one,” which brought Mother to sobs. She cried in front of me that night, being only a child, I neither understood nor know what to do.

“Such a demanding wife, worthless!” Grandmother huffed. The whispers took on a crescendo, the Grand Dining Hall was cacophonous.

All of a sudden, Mother stood up, grabbed me from my nanny. With her back against the clamorous group of people robed in luxury, “I’m leaving this house,” Mother threw it coldly, allowed the words to sink in.

Grandmother shrieked the moment Mother moved a muscle. “My heart! My heart of hearts! My love! Stop her!” Then I saw male servants pulling Mother’s rich robes, her hair a mess, tears still streaming. They came with sticks as thick as a child’s fist, and started beating her back and legs.

Was it her determination, or was she stronger than I thought she was? She did not quiver, her knees did not buckle. She shielded me with her petite body. “Don’t harm my grandson!” Grandmother wailed.

A rough hand grabbed my wrist, tried to haul me away. Mother’s fist drew blood as his nose broke. She hugged me tightly and broke into a run. Call it a miracle, we were out in the unfamiliar wilderness in a blink of an eye.

“Where are we going, Mother?” I asked, naïve. She was taking me to the pavilion by the lake, or the Lotus Gardens, was she not? She smiled at me, then I noticed beyond the bloodshot eyes were indescribable euphoria. I never saw the real colour of her skin, I recalled it was a pearly shade of white last Mid-Autumn Lantern Festival, under the moonlight. Now she looked sallow, her skin a yellow shade of pale.

“To my Father’s house, you are now a member of the Lee family,” she replied when we reached a quaint manor, smaller than Father’s mansion. Mother knocked on the door with all her might. A creak, the door opened, “Mistress! Master! Madam! Mistress is bleeding out here!” a servant girl shouted at the sight of Mother, crimson red in her robes and at the side of her mouth.

She collapsed. A smile graced her face. Though battered yet unusually beautiful. In lieu of the luxuries she might enjoy in Father’s house, she rather raise me herself, to make me a man. “You won’t be like your father, a glutton and a weakling, no facets of him show a trace of noblesse oblige. You are to be a man. With these women in this house you will always be pampered and spoilt. I will take you away, someday,” she promised me that night when Second Aunt told Grandmother a lie, that Mother had asked Father to divorce his concubines. Grandmother started to show dislike towards her. She tried to explain but to no avail.

With her last breath, she told me, “Be a man.”

And she was gone.

Mother was a woman of great beauty with a wonderful heart. She was also an ordinary woman, who wanted her son to be a man.

*~*~*

Copyright reserved, under Cindy Bong's name.

P/S: Don't be startled, darling. I wrote this for you. Sorry I couldn't keep my promise, but I promise I'll finish it before both of us die. XD

票根

The Chinese essay that won me the trophy. I promised Pn. Yeap I'd post it in my blog.

*~*~*

我喜欢收集。

邮票、音乐盒、信纸、海报、发簪、卡通模型。。。你所想像到的，我都有。难怪妈咪成天对我唠叨：“你的房间和一个山洞没什么不同，半斤八两。”

我并没有否认。对，的确是山洞，一个收集满世界各种奇珍异宝的山洞。

我收集，不是因为它美丽或罕见。之所以收集这些零零碎碎的普通东西，是因为想收集每一样东西背后的故事、回忆。

我，是专门收集回忆的收藏家。

回忆如吉普赛女郎的水晶球，晶莹剔透却神秘；又脆弱。晶莹剔透因为它的确曾经发生过；神秘因为它具有梦幻与现实的元素；脆弱因为它很容易被冲淡。

收集了能让我凭物追思的东西，心里增添了一份安全感。

我收集的众多杂物,每个所带的回忆只有一种感觉。唯有那张薄薄的票根，如一碗融合甜、酸、苦、辣、咸的五味热汤，一个人所能体会到的情绪都存于这与众不同的回忆里。

依稀记得自己傻傻地望着将带我飞往中国广州的机票，站在两位陌生的队友及只见过一次面的带队官员旁发愣。那是我第一次在没有父母陪伴的情况下，第一次身为国家代表出国。

在兴奋与担心交叉之际，我凝望机票，在思想的空间徘徊。这张票将带我飞过世界最高的山峰、飞过世界最深的海洋，到一个怎样的地方？

票根上的五颜六色线条及字眼，使我忆起东盟各国拥有不同背景的学生代表。还有它的滑面和皱起的部分，回忆的海洋顿时浮现了旅程舒适与难受的时候。

我是个粗心的女孩。票根上自然多了很多大小不一的斑点、被水模糊了的字眼。

那在浅红斑点里模糊了的登机时间，是在凯里的苗族村喝的迎宾米酒。咱们一团充满好奇心的热血青年，早在车上说好要比赛看谁最能喝。个个因为酒太辣，喝了第一杯就服输了。最后只剩我、两位贵州女生、两个泰国男生及六个贵州男生在比。三个女生始终还是不敌八个大男生，我喝了第三杯就受不了吐了出来。一层隔着我们的冰墙，在米酒的辣和我们的笑声中，不知不觉地融化了。

中间几滴透明的油渍，是贵阳街边吃的咸炸鸡。应该是自己想太多了，感觉上我的队友，昵称八爪鱼，比较受欢迎。她称得上是闭月羞花的美女，脸上常挂着友善的笑容。好多学生都喜欢和她走在一块；男生也想认识她、和她做朋友。在她旁边走着的我，感觉好像被大伙儿忽略了，心里不是滋味：妒忌，也有点被冷落的伤感。夜阑人静，眼泪再也忍不住留下来，咸的、涩的。

其中一个是黏糊糊的金黄色，是吃麦芽糖时沾到的。哈尔滨的麦芽糖是我吃过最甜的。甜蜜，是他撑着伞，我俩在绵绵细雨中并肩漫步在四季如春的太阳岛花园里。有时，我们会小声说、大声笑；有时，我们静静地欣赏风景、腼腆地偷望对方。虽然只是淡淡、纯纯的好感，却足以在脑海里留下深深的烙印，回想起来满脑尽是甜滋滋的味道。

那难看且恶心的浅绿，是妈咪吩咐我喝的苦瓜茶。起程之前我已生病了，喉咙也沙哑了；庆幸的是在演讲当天声音好了很多，喉咙却还隐隐作痛。妈咪花了整晚说服我、劝我乖乖喝了那苦涩的苦瓜茶。我们三个国家代表每晚坐在一起准备讲稿、熬夜上网找资料。隔天在贵阳清华中学的演讲，老师及学生代表们都连声赞好；喉咙也奇迹般地无痛无痒。我总算真正体会到古人所说的“先苦后甜”和“苦口良药”。

角落的乳白色，是酸奶冰淇淋。离开贵阳之前，贵阳的学生请我们吃当地著名的酸奶冰淇淋。当天，舌头咀嚼的和心里的味道一样。十二天就这样过了，我们曾天真地以为：我们会永远在一起玩、一起闹。天下无不散之筵席，酸酸的离别气氛笼罩了整辆巴士。到离境处外，鼻子一酸、泪水不听话地留了下来。我们二十七个青年抱着对方痛哭，说了好多句“我会永远记得你们！”。老师们见了，眼睛也湿了。

它岂止是飞机票的票根，它也像一张戏票的票根。十二天的旅程，像一个电影的预告片。人在生命舞台的百态，在短短十二天于眼前飞过。旅程中所学到的，如票根上的颜色般，鲜艳、耀眼。

票根上的红，是火热的爱。我们了解，爱没有界限。爱，有对家人的爱、对亲人的爱、对朋友的爱、对情侣的爱，还有对自己的爱。珍惜所有爱你的人，爱所有珍惜你的人。

票根上的蓝，是团结。团结是力量，不分国际、不分种族、不分背景、不分你我。手连手，共同努力创造美好的明天。

票根上的黄，是对国家的尊敬及崇拜。爱国，因为它是哺育你的母亲。爱国，因为它给予你与众不同的身份。爱国，因为它是你的家。

票根上的紫，是未来的神秘感。明天会是怎样的？谁也不能一口咬定说明天是晴天、雨天。但是，无论天气好或坏，人理应开开心心地度过。怎么说，还是比成天愁眉苦脸好多了。

这张票根带我飞过世界最高的山峰、飞过世界最深的海洋，到达一个陌生的地方。它把我带进二十六个陌生人的生命里，与他们牵手跑了一段短暂的马拉松。它是一个万花筒，看到世界与人生美丽的一面。它是一本课本，千金难求的知识尽在里头。

它只是一张普通的飞机票的票根。但它带给我的回忆与意义，却比钻石更宝贵、比春天更美丽。

*~*~*

Hope you guys like it. It's a roman à clef, which means it's fiction inspired by real life events, which also means it's a partial fiction, partial memoir.

If you want an English version of it, kindly leave word at the chatbox or leave a comment.