十二月十五：我。你

什么地方灯红酒绿？
十二月十五，舞池上的你，
揽住谁的腰逗情趣；
去年、今天、是我在你怀里，
述说月食和那流星雨。
星坠、梦尽：我已醒。
梦成烟，多谢你无心的一句。

一早结束的暧昧游戏，
是我仍旧坚持继续。

十二月十五，蒲公英之季，
包含着我安静的失去，
无痛、无声、唯红血滴滴，
因为流失的不是体力。
我的世界没有你，
面对前头路的是勇气。

“晚安，亲爱的，”我微笑地走下去，
十二月十五，再见的日期。

December 15: You . Me

Where is this lust and wine in green?
You on the dance floor, December 15,
Caressing someone's delicate waist, flirting;
This day, last year, it was I you were holding,
And our talks about meteor showers and an eclipse.
A fallen star, a dream ends: reality, I am in.
From dream to dust, it is your ignorance I am thanking.

It ended, this intimate game imbued with sin,
I was the one who still insisted on playing.

The season of daffodils, December 15,
My silent loss, all wrapped within,
Painless, soundless, only crimson is dripping,
Because strength is not what I am losing.
A world without you is mine and there's only me
To face the journey ahead, I have courage and bravery.

I smile as I leave, "Bon nuit, mon cheri,"
Auf wiedersehen, December 15.

Lie vs.Truth

oooThe worst lie I told,
Was that I told our little friends
That I deleted them:
Pieces of you.

oooThe only truth I know
Is that the more I hide
From you,
The more you haunt my sleep.

I spent time convincing myself,
And imagining.
That if I were to see you,
oooI will walk away not knowing you.

There, my blatant lie.
And everytime I see your face,
Breath escapes in a gasp.
oooThis much is true.

The Moment: Arsenic Wine

Sleepwalking, I stumbled upon glass of wine.

Burgundy juice, serenely resting in its crystal prison, not a ripple. I dipped a finger into it, shuddered, because it was cold. Like a nearly frozen lake in the middle of winter, I thought. My finger started to stir it: maybe I could make it warm.

Warm enough to drink.

But no, it was a futile effort and it can never be warm. He is too good to me, too noble to hide daggers behind silk curtains. "It'll be better. Less painful," he told me.

I withdraw my finger with a lonely droplet clinging on the tip of it. Without delay I drank it, like a thirsty traveler deprived of water for days. My head swirled: that was the very first symptom.

Instinct told me to flee and save myself, never to come back; yet curiosity drove me further to take a sip. As cold wine took over my throat, my senses numbed. Every swallow hurt, every cut deeper.

Yet I still went back for it. Perhaps I wanted to end it like this, with pain and misery. It's easier to give up this way, isn't it?

And I went back for more, and more, and more... Laughing at my naive folly as I drunk myself, indirectly, killing myself.

Three Cuts for My Darling

First cut:
oooFor the times you
ooooPour your smiles on
oooooThis
Deformed face of mind.

Second cut:
oooI lick and savour
ooooThe crimson warmth,
oooooLike your every hug
That enfolded me.

Third cut:
oooHoney on my wouds
ooooThat reminded me of
oooooEvery word you said to me,
I shall never forget.

And you will find me
Asleep in my bed,
Like a child, undisturbed.
Because I believe
That tomorrow is a better day.

That is if I forget today.

How easy it is to say
But how difficult it is to do.
That's why I was asleep,
That's why I'll never awake.

The Moment: Milk Chocolate Melting

When he asked me, there was the sly smile on his lips. Although thin as a thread but I could sense it intimidating me, daring me, challenging me to follow.

And I did, like a lost kitten towards its mother.

I missed it, walking side by side with him. There was the familiar and heartwarming scent, the languid oozing of warmth, and the silent smiles shadowed by lurid sunlight. Somehow there was gauche in the air.

Breaking the silence with small talk only to be interrupted by a shrill squeak. More hugs exchanged and we symphatised him who stood there alone, faking impatience. Perhaps it was my will, or him pulling the invisible bonding silk on my feet, I left them and followed swiftly.

To be back again is good. Normality is what we citizens crave.

With the light blue building in front against the morning sun, our chatter hushed into the fresh vibe of the breaking of day. Our short promenade tasted of milk chocolate, melting gradually in the wind and serene ambience.

Existence

It was the cigar smoke,
No,
It was my soul.

Twirling,
oooCircles,
ooooooLife is a never-ending merry-go-round.

Dissipated in the air,
The light permeated me,
And I saw your face:

For the first time I said to myself,
____"I am beautiful."

I hope you saw me
And heard me.

The Moment: Butterscotch

Like the fading rays of the sun, sinking into the vermilion horizon: butterscotch and rose.

I've been counting the times we meet each other. Every meeting is an event to be cherished, to be engraved in the fleshy tablet of my heart. Because any of it could be our last.

Of course, he doesn't know and he wouldn't know. Perhaps he won't even care. He sees beyond the purplish sunset into the twilight. His is the furthest star, whilst mine is the constellation of Virgo.

I miss him. And these feelings melt into a poultice of lavender and butter, milk and baby breath. The colour turned from pearl white into a glorious yellow. Emanating a glow, radiant, and ludicrous.

That's me.

舍不得你

怀着一个即将离开的心情，
我的心理应该开心
能离开这困着我的窘境，
到外边开创一个黎明。

但，为何我的心一直不安宁，
想开心离开却不行？
心中有种不舍得的心情。
难道你还牵着我的心灵？

经过无数的风风雨雨，
我应该已对你死心。
但如今我发现，
你还活在我深处的心底。

离开了这里，再也见不到你，
一阵痛猛捶心底。
我只能想念你，再不能碰见你，
心里顿时感到空虚。

心里才明白原来
我舍不得你。

To Death in One

She sat on the shore glancing the sea,
For centuries she has been where she was,
Waiting for someone she loved so deep,
Now resting in eternal stupor.

"His love will never be mine to own,"
Nostalgia overcame her and she started to moan,
Tears rolled down as she started to reminisce
The night they first met in the sea.

He sank into roaring waves, struggling from death,
Found him in oblivion she hath,
She brought him to shore, embracing his face,
Trapped in love, a complex maze.

Day by day she sat on shore
Till the day of his wedding ball,
She felt a pain never experienced before,
She sat there waiting, not answering the sea's return call.

Transformed into a statue, unable to speak,
She can never get what she hath seek:
The love from someone so special to her.
Her confession, he will never hear.

Till one day a familiar face appeared,
She never thought she could see him here,
He touched her face and sadly said,
"I should have told you, but fate wouldn't wait."

"I knew you were the one who saved my soul
Far back in time, many centuries ago.
I never had the chance to confess,
Now my heart is full of regrets.

Words simply can't express my love for you,
My heart was once full, now broken to two.
If fate destined us to be far apart...
Now, let me rewrite fate's chart!"

With this he drew his dagger up
And thrusted it deep into his heart.
She wanted to stop him but she could only stare,
Her heart tore as his blood bled.

The love she wanted, finally owned,
But now she was left alone.
Tears glistened as the sun drowned at the west,
Leaving the two lovers, in peace they rested.

I Looked Down From Heaven

I looked down from heaven
To check on how you've been,
Peeking through your favourite fuchsia curtains,
I saw you sleeping under covers of green.

I looked down from heaven
Because empyrean was too boring,
Beneath the bright crimson lanterns,
A baby bird spread her wings.

I looked down from heaven
As snowflakes gently fell,
My best friend stood in your garden,
She had been crying, anyone could tell.

I looked down from heaven
When the both of you argued,
She said she was going to be a parent,
And the father of the child was you.

I looked down from heaven
During the awkward silence,
You stood in front of her, frozen,
Then gunpowder emasculated the lavender fragrance.

I looked down from heaven
After a deafening gunshot,
You called my name, "Hello, Lauren,
I hope you'll understand, that baby wasn't my fault!"

I never looked down heaven again,
The world has moved on, so must I.
By looking at the past, nothing will I gain,
Because earth is for the living, and I have died.

To a Friend

Clement thoughts sojourned in my head,
I was frolicking in a meadow with flowers of the brightest red.
The shaded part of soft pasture was my bed,
It served as a refuge for my daily escapade.

Your innocent smile was the clearest lake,
Those soft and beautiful eyes were never fake.
I could picture them blinking when you awake,
The curling of your lips was the only medication I'll take.

Beneath those eyes, intelligence shone,
Like a warm fire when I was cold and alone.
I flinched at your gentle and mild tone,
Because it tickled my ears when you're on the phone.

A myriad of butterflies fluttered as you spoke,
With eyes deliberately spying on every step I took.
Be my cynosure if I get lost on the road,
A gentleman like you would surely offer me your coat.

The Moment: Like Butterflies

I hugged him tight whilst calculating the seconds we heard each other's heartbeat, and the pressure exerted by his arms on my back.

So many times I folded my arms around his neck, felt the warmth oozing from his masculine physique, imbued with the familiar scent of sweat.

After letting him go, with a smile I said the usual, "Take care."

A wave, some seconds spent on holding each other's eyes, I turn my head.

The smile vanished. Was it artificial? I'm so used to acting I can't distinguish which are my real emotions.

My hand automatically, like a robotic gesture, formed a fist on my chest, where I felt my beating heart. It came like a wall of water, moving so fast from my heart straight to my throat, as if to force me to collapse into shards of glass.

Nothing.

There wasn't the icy sensation gliding down my cheeks like how I anticipated. Still choked at the end of my throat was a pain. So mild I couldn't describe it, so excruciating I couldn't stand it.

Loss. Forlorn.

Empty was a part near the core. And I let it fluttered away, never to return, like butterflies. Their gossamer wings dissolved into the rainbows of my yesterdays, like ashes into the Ganges.

Back to where they belong.